By the end of the week, my debts are gone. By the end of the month, I will be working freelance, James Grabow my Sound Technician gone semi-pro, with the stars in sight.

A couple years ago, a man came to my house, driving a junker car, his "daily driver." This man told me I was a very lucky person, because I could tell him what I wanted to shape my future around. A couple days ago, I began that journey. I bought an eight channel multitrack unit, I bought a quad core processor, and I prepared the software for the change that will take me from no-name to big-name.

A couple months ago, I met Sean. At first I was unsure of him, as I am around anyone who's new, because I've been through a lot, and the reminders hurt every time. But I warmed up to him after meeting the owners of Grey Sky Films, learning he wanted a Demo, and knowing that I could be the man to make it a reality for him.

That man that came to my house, he said he was in his 40's when he figured out what he wanted to do in life, HVAC, Heating, Ventilating, and Air Conditioning. Sean wants to make it big, he's very optimistic, and doesn't think of things that go wrong.

But I am neither of them. I know what I want to do, I know where I want to be, and I'm not there yet. Two jobs in three months isn't much good, but I guess selling computer parts, whole computers, or doing Demo Tapes is what can get me started, because I have either a very long, or a very short trip ahead of me, and I don't know whether or not I'll withstand the test of time, but I'm willing to try as hard as it takes to find out.

I was lying on a couch 5 hours ago, curled up with my girlfriend, when I realized, no matter how much I think back on the past, no matter how much it hurts to know what I've been through, and am going through, I have her, and I don't have someone from the past, and I finally figured out what makes it hurt so much.

Repetition causes a loss of value and meaning. I could tell Amanda that I missed her millions of times, but the million and first time would be the straw that broke the camels back. I could tell Brooke that if she wanted to kiss me, it was straightedge or nothing. I could pick her up, and put her in a special seat designed mentally and emotionally to be the best thing for her, but if she wont sit still, it will eventually wear out from beneath her. And both happened, but the thing is, no matter how much I miss Amanda, I've never looked her up on facebook. No matter what I saw in Brooke, I stopped looking, because I need what little good memories left to stay intact. And it hurts me most, because I wonder what things would be like today if I still talked to Amanda. Would she be the caring person I knew? Would I even recognize her if I walked past her? More importantly, would she recognize me? As for Brooke, I gave her everything she needed, but no one will ever do that again, and she cries about it, she's hurt by it, she tries to act like she's stronger, she tries to be angry about it, but that's where she fails, because her anger is detrimental to herself. I've moved on from her, so quickly, so loudly, you'd think I was the devil driver himself.

This is why I have sarah, this is why I'm so strong, while being so weak sometimes. Someone deserved to have the best, and she's the one. Through good times and stressful times, we have each other, and every day I know, we're both better for it.

I was once told I was a very lucky boy, to have Amanda. I was once told I was lucky to be able to appear older than I am, and I was once told I was lucky to be able to fit in with the Adult crowd, because it's a sign of maturity even some adults do not have.

I was also told that going through the hardest times, paves the road for better times ahead. But all the wishes in the world can't ask a person to try. I wouldn't ask a person to try.

I paved the road I'm traveling now, and while it scares me a lot sometimes, I know that it was harder paving this road, than it will be to travel it, and the burdens come when I need detours.

But I'm a dying breed. I fear my future, I fear the future for those around me, I fear for I may not be able to see them to a safe conclusion, and I fear that I may not be strong enough to handle what's to come, and it will consequently drag others down. While not being my two most specific fears, they are fears nontheless.

I was told I was loved earlier, a statement said to me, and I knew I was where I should be, because I hadn't heard it constantly before, it's still fresh, it still means something strong, and I know that I can repeat the same back, with the same conviction, and know that I'm exactly where I need to be.

Conviction is the difference between good and great.